A Starless night in Tokyo 


On Sunday night, I’ve invited my good friend over for dinner. Cooked a traditional Burmese dish, called the Mohinga. Essentially is fish broth with noodles. This friend of mine has been through up and downs in my life. Taught me lots of life lesson and sees me as a little sister whom she trusts and takes cares of.

I’ve invited her to confide in her about what my Burmese friend said to me. Her reaction was to just ask me to block out what my Burmese friend say. After all, that Burmese friend knows nothing about my ex and what he has done to me. However, she knows that I was wavering so badly, she has decided to tell me the truth as to why she thinks that my ex and I should not get together.

She has finally told me that my ex wanted to sleep with her, while he was together with me. Until Monday afternoon, I was not able to process this message in my head. Never did I expect that the guy I once love can actually do this to hurt me. She told me the truth in the hope to snap me out of this state of wavering. To live my life truly and forget about this guy.

She then texted me on Monday evening, asking me if I did see his Instagram. I saw that he was with another girl in Penang. Enjoying his life, enjoying spending time with this girl. All that came into my head was that he is already with this girl. My heart was shattered. I was so in pain and my tears are uncontrollable. I’m trying very hard to control as I was at work, but my emotions took hold of me. Nothing I said to myself was working, my head was he’s already with someone else. The 2.5 years we had was wiped out. The 2.5 years was just a lie, was just a game to him.

I know that is has been 3 months since we broke up. To some guys, this period is quite a long duration and some started going on dates before 3 months. Part of me still cannot accept that fact that the guy I once love is already with someone else. I can’t accept the fact that I’m taking a much longer time to get over a jerk like him. I felt as if everything we once did was a lie.

My heart of mine can no longer take any more blows. I’m hurting so badly that part of me feels like I’m dead. I’ve been progressing so well, but after looking at one picture I feel as if I’m back to square one. The square one of griefing. My friend said that I’m back at square one is because I’ve never truly accepted the emotions I’ve been feeling. I’ve been rushing to the finish line of trying to get over him while not giving myself space to grief.

First time in my life, I do not know what’s my next step. The only thing I know now is that whether he’s back into my life a not, there will be no possibilities for us to continue on.