What characteristics or traits defines a kind-hearted person? Can one person’s view and baseline be that of another when it comes to defining this question?

I’m brought up in quite a traditional Chinese thinking family but still fortunate enough to be have studied in Australia for 3 years to pursue my degree. I would say that I’m a girl with Chinese values but with a western influence personality.

My mum taught me to share, love, be kind, gracious and generous to others. She believes that strongly and expect my brother and I to carry such traits in us. Especially when it comes to our friends and family who is need of help. Besides, there’s a saying “What goes around, comes around”. After this break up, I realized that my mum brought up a daughter who might have fallen short of her expectations. At this moment, I’ve only considered and so engulfed in my own emotions when it comes to this break up. Never have I given much thought in how mum felt.

Yesterday, I spoke to her saying that I wish to travel out of the country just for a few days and somewhere nearby. Her immediate response was “NO!” She did not explicitly explained why she said no. All she told me was,

“It’s time to stop running away. By you leaving the country, will not change anything. You will still think of him when you are overseas. Do you know how worried I’ll be when you travel to a country that is quite remote? Have you ever stand in my position and think as a mother?” 

At that point, all I could think of was why is my mum so worried? If I wanted to do anything silly, I would have done it weeks ago. By travelling, is for my own soul, to do something good for myself after this long. I need to look forward to something in life and to feel alive again. I need to start to breathe and stand up on my own two feet my exploring parts of me that has died or lost while I was with my ex. That’s all I could think of and I cannot comprehend my mum thoughts. All I could understand was my mum is sheltering me and hiding me in a cage for now. It’s time to let me grow and change to be a better person but she’s not ready to let me do it.

So confused and disappointed, I’ve asked a colleague of mine. She’s a mother herself and she will be able to relate to my mum thinking. She said,

养儿一百岁,长优九十九

It means that a parent concern will remain unchanged even if you are a child or when you are an adult. 

You need to understand your mother’s point of view. She only has one daughter, you are her life and her accomplishment. Your hurt and your pain is also inflicted on her even if you don’t want to. Because she’s your mother, she is hurting for you and on a much larger extent to how you are feeling. You will never know this feeling unless you are a mother yourself. I’m a mother, I spoke to her and I saw her worry for you. You have your reasons for leaving, she has her concerns. Is normal. The only thing you can do now as a daughter, is to stand up on your own feet again. Prove to your mum you are strong and have plans for yourself. Only then she will feel safe and reassured again. 

That was the turning point. My sadness, my own emotions and actions has caused such a big impact on my mum. The mother who has brought me to life and taught me so many valuable lessons, brought up a daughter who is selfish and not filial.

Maybe a trip now might not be appropriate, maybe when my mum is more emotionally stable after a few weeks. I guess I’ve to give my mum some time to realize that her daughter needs to grow and even a mum cannot help. Is about proving to my mum that her daughter is strong enough to get over this hurdle in life. It’s time to live her life again and put her past behind.

Its time to be kind again, to be loving again, to be gracious and generous again to the people I love. They deserve it too. 

 

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