Had my usual Thursday dates with one of my very good friend, lets just call her M. M has been through quite a lot, seen horrific things between her parents but never once did she explicit said what was it about. She was also a lady who carried a lot of emotional baggage on herself, got hurt badly in the love field too. As a result, she is a very guarded and full of negativity. Always thinking about the worst in every situation instead of the bright side. Somehow, her moodiness and pessimistic opinions influenced me to think of every possible scenarios. Hate it, but sometimes yes we do have to think of the possible scenarios but of course leading me to over thinking. Maybe partly this is one of the reasons I tend to overthink.

M sees me like her a little sister and has went out with my and my ex on several occasions. First few occasions when we went out was alright, but later it just got a chore because both of them dislike each other. Its hard to pacify both ends at the same time.

I told everything to M in regards to my relationship with my ex, including this break up. She hate to say it but ” I told you so“. She did not get a good vibe with my ex, always had her reservations about him. However, never once did she overstepped her position as a friend and told me her thoughts about my ex. She clearly knows that whatever her thoughts about my ex, were just her views about him. If i’m happy to be with him, she has full on support for me. Of course, she seem to foresee that my ex wasn’t the right guy for me and she is relieved that this whole break up was decided before marriage. If it’s after marriage, it would be worst.

Due to M’s bringing up and her background, she seems like a combination of Sadness & Anger from Inside out. Her way over getting over some is just to think about the bad times of the relationship, get angry and use it as a motivation to get over someone. This is a little too extreme for me. Why should i be getting angry or upset to get over someone. It just makes my feelings worse? That’s just me.

Yesterday, M asked me so how did Saturday’s conversation went with my ex. I told her the truth, that it only took 2 minutes tops to end this relationship. He just said

“Let’s just finish this and end this”

I processed what he said, thought for a few seconds, I said “ok” and turn around towards my lift and walked off. Simple, no fuss, no arguments, no nothing. But somehow, I had a feeling that my ex was a little taken aback. When I walked off, he was still standing there just for a few seconds and having to see me walked off. When I went up to my apartment, it took him a while to start his car engine and he left. After a few minutes, i texted him

“Thank you for everything and giving me an answer. I do love you and I wish you all the best”.

M told me that, ever since the relationship I’ve started with him. I’ve been constantly giving into whatever he needed. His immature ways, his insecure needs and babying him whenever he needs to. In M’s opinion, my ex was just waiting for me to beg him to work things out and patch back together. Because, my ex thought that i was someone who is patient and has been trying to push my limit in the breakup. He wanted me to fight back for him, I did, but to him was

“Is too little and is too late”

I’ve asked many times;

“what to you want me to do?”

“What do you exactly want?”

My ex just said “Stop asking me what i want, ok” or keep giving me answers “I don’t know“.

For the fact that, my ex doesn’t know what he wants exactly. Till this point, I think he is still lost and no longer know what he wants anymore. Never did he knew that my patience was running out and constantly asking what he needed with no answers is just frustrating. Besides, by talking to his dad about this flaws and his dad actually agreed has actually validated what type a person he actually is. Being an immature guy, he would not have accept that fact and still living in denial.

My ex and I fought for a month, that whole month was a roller coaster. Did not eat well, did not sleep well and my mind and body was disconnected! When he said to end it, I did not want to fight for him anymore. Both of us were so unhappy, I’ve tried fighting for him, but he has constantly pushed me away. Till the point, there’s no point waiting and nothing I do will ever change. Besides, if someone truly loves you, never will they push you away. Instead, both will come together to work things out.

Of course, M did scold me saying that i’m still treating him too nicely. I told her that I finally saw that he was being tag on FB. Her question to was;

“Why the hell do you care? He is someone you no longer have to care about. Why are you still showing so much sympathy for this guy who treated you like that? Stop worrying about him, this will only pull you back further!”

Well, he might be my ex but we shared good times. One might wanna forget just like that, but is not as easy. I’m slowly letting him go and moving on with my life.

Till today, every morning he is still the first person i think about. Each morning, thinking about him brings back fond memories. In order to stop, I pray to stop thinking about him and let things go pass.