I’m a 25 year old girl who has never written a blog. This blog right here will be my everyday or almost everyday as a constant reminder to move on with my life.

I’ve recently experienced one of the most heart wrenching life experience, that is a break up. Is true, everyone says that is not easy to get through but eventually everyone says that i’ll get over this phase in life. There’s so much more to life, relationships is just a small part of who I am. Essentially, that’s very true. But of course, right now i’m just blinded by the hurt, disappointment and anger that’s going through my mind right now. I do hope that one day, i’ll get over this pain of hurt.

As a reminder and when one day when i’ve finally moved on and let go of my past, this will be my past love story. Looking back, it has taught me so much life experiences. Here goes:

My Ex and I, well we met through my mother. One of my family business compromises of owning a Seafood Restaurant. He and his family has been patronizing us since he was a teenager. At that point of time, i’ve just graduated with my Honors Degree and just came back to Singapore for good to look for the job. So meanwhile looking for a job, i went to the restaurant to help out. One fine day, on the 2012 mid July we managed to see each other for the first time. My mum had then introduced us to broaden my social circle and for networking purposes. We exchanged numbers (of course i was very reluctant, it seems like my mum was setting me on a date more than anything else).

The week after we met at the restaurant, we decided to go out on our first dinner date. It went alright, just like how a usual date goes. We asked both generic questions to find out more about each other, nothing deep and more like an easy going chat. When the bill came, he forgot to bring his wallet down from his car. So in the end i paid for dinner, why not, since it was just a simple dinner. The night hasn’t ended, we went some place else for coffee after that and we drove out nearby to a seaside place. We talked more, find out more about each other. Again, he has forgotten about his wallet so I paid. Since we both had time, we then took a slow walk near the sea side. That’s when i knew he was interested in me. He was inching closer to me each time when we were talking by the sea side.

From the first date, i knew that he was a rich man son. Humble enough and never once judge me for who I am. He was a social butterfly, never had to worry about picking up girls and he knows how to say all the right things to girls. Charming in a way with his sweet tongue. Slowly, we went out more frequently and feelings developed. We did not get together immediately as I still have my reservations about him, so it took me 6 months to say yes to him and commit into this relationship. That was on 26th January 2013.

The initial stage like any couple, can’t get your hands off of each other. Want to spend every single minute with the person you love. At that point, everyone is just blinded and falling in love, thinking that you have found someone so sweet to spend the rest of your life with. Eventually this feeling will fade, that’s when you will see someone’s true colors.

Don’t be mistaken, he loves me a lot, every morning there will be good morning text to remind you that he’s thinking about you when he wakes up. You start to realize how he is with his family, his behavior with his friends, his spending behavior etc… Like any couple, quarrel is bound to happen. So we had usual fights, some stupid and some were serious. But we got through it like any couple for more than 2 years.

However throughout the 2 years, i realized lots of flaws in his character that he doesn’t know of. But those are flaws i was able to tolerate because he did change for the better as a person too. The only thing i cannot tolerate is that he will not be faithful. He has crossed my boundaries and never respected me enough. Ever since then i wasn’t able to trust him wholeheartedly. I’ve only discovered this behavior of his on my birthday trip with him this year. Nonetheless, he has also pin pointed my flaws. He has shown me a different light of myself and i learnt why. However when he told me my flaws, i did suggest i will change for the better. Not for him, but for myself. He said, “people don’t change”, nothing left for me to say.

It finally broke down at the last month of our relationship. Throughout the whole 2 years, he has constantly asked me to marry him, just a question and never a proposal. He really wanted a family with too. That was something i wasn’t ready for, so every time he asked i just said this was not a proposal. Deep down he knows that he knows i’m not ready but his patience was running out and needed an answer. Even though i knew i wasn’t prepared to marry him, but i know that in my mind I truly love this guy, i thought of a future with him and i was certain i wanted to marry him.

Impatience got into his head, that’s when he said he needed a break. He needed time to think whether can he be with someone who he assume that doesn’t want to marry him. I had to beg him for him to come see me before we went on our first break up. He said he needed 1 month to think it through. That was on the 30th June 2016, so I said alright. Of course i was devastated because I was about to lose the guy I love because he thought that i wasn’t going to marry him.

Shortly after 2 weeks, he texted me said that he wishes to discuss about our relationship. I agreed but i know that i wasn’t emotionally prepared. He walked into my house again, kissed me says he misses me. I had to push him away because i wanted to talk before getting back together. We had a short talk, all he said was to work towards being happy for now. I said ok, gave each other another chance to work things out. We did not discuss any issues or getting anything solved.

That weekend was great, spend sometime with each other to rekindle our love and work back to each other’s heart’s. That Sunday night, he then asked me again, will i marry him. This time i gave him a “yes” because i knew i wanted to marry him and i don’t want to loose him anymore. There’s no reaction or whatsoever from him.

The next few days, another argument broke us apart again. I admit that argument was me being paranoid and he flipped out. That’s when a crack will never be mended. I wanted to work things out with him, the underlying issues that we did not solve at all. He refused. In his mind he has already given up on marriage and it had to take him to leave in order for me to marry him. He stripped me off my right to any decisions because i did not want kids at that point of time. He blamed me for not knowing his thoughts. He no longer needed my support in anything. Basically, pushing every single blame onto me just because he was so angry with me. Before I left, i still asked him if were still in a relationship. He said we are.

Since we still are, I’ve tried to reach out to him. Because of the argument, he was treating me so cold. No longer having morning text, so i initiated. Of course, his text were short and emotionless. I wanted to do dinner with him on a Friday night, and asked if hes alright with it, he said “ok”. So i just asked him what’s wrong? Do you still love me? Do you still miss me? He said he needed recovery time, doesn’t love or miss me that much anymore. That really hurt me. Since he needed recovery time, i gave him a week with no contact to ask him and think carefully. He got angry at me again.

When i texted him again to asked him if he has thought about the relationship, he said “nope” and asked “why”. At that point of time, i had it. Because from his FB post it says:

“I guess I need to work on my picking up skills. Tried to pick up a lady but she said no. Been out of the game for too long I guess”.

This was one of the sign that he wants to get in the game and slowly moving on from me. I even told him that if he needed more time let me know, or if he wants to break up, meet me and tell me and i’ll accept the decision. Basically i’m giving him the power to decide everything. All i wanted was to be with him and work through things but neither do i want to force him.

No reply for a week from him since the last text. In my mind I thought that was it. I’ve tried to reach out for him, but all he ever did was to push me away. Tried to communicate with him, he said no time to deal with me. He has pushed me enough that i knew nothing will change. All I did was to collect my things from his place and gave myself that closure that this relationship has ended. I’ve even texted him, is this a break up for real. Again no reply. When i was collecting my things, i saw his dad and spoke to him what exactly happened. So on that very night, he texted me “what did you tell my dad”. Seriously, he expected me to answer him when all along he did not reply me?

So i asked me to answer my questions first before i answer him. He flipped out again, saying that “since i wanna play it this way. Fine i won’t bother”. To do him the favor, i told him a little and thank him for letting me go again.  That’s when he said “i never wanted to let you go. My dad wants you to go for dinner on Saturday”.

I’ve left and given myself closure, accepting the fact that he will never tell it to my face that he wants to break up. If it wasn’t for me talking to his dad, he will never talk to me. Then again, a whole argument with the same issues and the anger he has for me.

Since his dad wanted to do dinner on Saturday as he wants to talk to both us. All i was thinking, why is his dad cleaning up the mess he made? Therefore, i asked him whether he was available on Saturday morning. That was it, he came down to my place. Within a minute, he just said “let’s just finish this and end this”. All i said was “ok”. Walked off without saying anything else.

I realized at that point of time, there is no use fighting for him anymore. Seeing him on Saturday morning, eyes swollen and looking wrecked up hurts me. He has constantly told me that he loves me enough to let me go. I finally understood this phrase; I don’t want to see him so unhappy anymore, so hurt and so disappointed. So I let him go. He deserves happiness that I cannot give him.

He has given much magical and wonderful experience. I’m very grateful for that and I appreciate that. He has seen me grown as an individual and I’ve seen him change into a better person. However, our views does not align and our thinking is too different for both of us to continue. Either one has to change for the better to match each other if not there is nothing left to continue on.

All i can say that, i still love him and i do wish him all the best. But at the moment, i need time for myself to heal my wound. If there is ever a chance that we can get together, i might consider and give it another try. But for now, my heart has to heal.

12.07.2016

 

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